Saturday, January 24, 2004
DAY 3: It's gonna be a long morning
Well it's morning...early in the morning. My head is a little bit outta it, but whatev. As you can probably guess, I didn't have the night that I thought I would, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here on my computer at eight in the morning. I could tell you, that I'm writing this while the extra hot chick that I'm lying next to was lying in the bed still passed out. Yet that's not the truth, and I'm not going to say a lie like that, there's no point. I did get drunk though, and while there were Vixens at the bar, none of them were digging the shit enough to come home with me. I did however get my standard weekend kiss from some faceless girl. I was too drunk at that point to know exactly what she looked like...I have a feeling that's probably a good thing...oh well.
There's always the next time that I head out, I can't really see this being the reason why I would stop. I'm about "determination and confidence", I'd have to be otherwise I wouldn't be going on this trip. That's what Jana said to me yesterday when I told her, and then she got really jealous and started swearing at me...I knew she was kidding, but still...
Well I told Quinn yesterday, and it was rather the cold reception...well for her...I don't know why she thinks she can fake things...I'm sorry for her husband. She's much to easy to read, and that's fine. I just feel awkward, she gave me the obligatory hug and wish of good luck, a sorry that she'll be losing me...I barely work there, she now can fit someone else in the schedule that needs hours. She's probably just as happy as I am, that I'm out of there. Whatever.
I also came to a decision about the whole Ashley thing, I'm done...well now I'm done. I got a forward a little while ago with the heading saying "ALWAYS SAY WHAT YOU FEEL" Inside it had a little puny dog looking up at a big fucking Marmaduke and saying "FUCK YOU". You knew that the dog was going to get it, but it was still funny, and I laughed. It kinda also said the exact thing that I wanted to tell Ashley. So I forwarded it to her. Now I know these other entries look like I'm a little creapy with her, but you have to understand, I've been bitter at her for almost a year, and after the first three months of trying to be her friend I gave up and haven't talked to her since. I've just been bitter, this is the first time that I've sent something to her in a long time, and it'll be the last time. She's done, she's over. Yet as much as I know I'm a prick for sending something like that, and she's a university girl, she'll be able to read between the lines to understand what I really mean, I felt good that I did it. Made me feel good inside for some reason. This is the shit that she's done to me, made me a cold, uncaring bastard...and I like it.
Well tonight, I don't know what's going to happen tonight, I don't want to do too much. I'm yearning for some weed though...I'll talk to Julie, see if she can hook me up. I really don't know where I'm getting this money seeing as I'm heading out for the world in three months. However if EMINEM has taught me anything in this world, it's the line from perhaps his most famous song. "Live for the music, the moment, you own it, you never let it go, you only get one shot, opportunity comes once in a lifetime." Even it's from Eminem, it's still pretty powerful, and i look at some people out there and look at the things and times they waste and then I look at what I'm doing, and it makes it easier living by that mantra.
However, something I really want to do, is talk to that person who knows I exist, but doesn't know I care... In about two months, I'll finally tell her how I feel, how I've felt for a long while now, and then I'm going to get a lot of shit happen to me. I'm going to lose my family of friends over this...well I'm going to lose my old family of friends. It's not going to be good, and while I'd love to live by my mantra and just tell her...I can't, not yet. I don't like living by consequences, but this consequence is huge. It changes everything, and everyone, and seeing as I can't be a part of her life anyway, why not tell her at the end, when it's all going to slip away anyway.
I need to poo.
Posted at 08:13 am by Drewq
Friday, January 23, 2004
So I let my roomates know last night about my trip, it's all been paid for the whole shit. They kinda looked at me shocked, they asked a bunch of questions, but it wasn't a bad thing, they seemed pretty happy for me. I thought it was pretty good.
Watched some hockey, and that was about it.
I woke up this morning, more excited than yesterday, and then I realized that I had to tell my jobs that I was quitting in a month, then I really didn't want to go to work. It's one thing to actually just leave, it's all the preparation around that stuff that gets in the way. Well seeing as I don't work until 5:30 and I want to do these things in person rather than over the phone or in a not, I am just going to tell the one job today, Customer Service. Its going to be interesting how I'm going to get around to telling them...aw crap, I am going to have to show up early cause I have to catch Quinn before she leaves for the day.
I know that she'll be happy, but I'm not sure if it's happiness cause I'm happy, or happy cause I am getting the hell outta there, and she was tired of me working for her anyway. It doesn't matter. I plan on being pretty up front about everything, but I have a feeling it's going to be like the rest of my relationship with that job pretty fake.
From the day that I started working there, I've been fake, I held back a lot of who I was to get the job, well kinda, but not really, and then I just became very lax when the new administration was brought in. I figured what the hell, just don't worry about all that crap, cause I wasn't all keen on the new guard in there anyway, so why not be me.
It really doesn't matter now, as much as I'm looking forward to getting this out of the way, and letting work and everyone at work know, I am not even thinking about that. I can't wait to start the celebration. After work tonight I'm just looking forward to get right shitty. Just to get so smashed that the world can be as happy as me, or that I will see it that way.
To be honest with you, I'm just going to go out and have a good time with these last few months of my life. Just go out and say I don't care, just let it all go. I want to find some dirty skank, and just go back to her place and fuck her at least three times, and show up for work tomorrow when I feel like it...really, what's the point? I have a month left of school. IF I screw about and do what I want, then I'm not going to have a problem.
It's going to be an awesome night, the house better be ready to rock and roll.
On another note though, I was bored during yesterday night, and I started to read STUFF. There was an article that ...well...it made things harder. It talked to Tara Reid, and how the best thing to do to keep friends with a dead relationship is to just leave it alone...made me think about what I was doing with Ashley.
Hey, I won't deny it, she drove me a little nuts. Still does. However perhaps I should just leave it all alone, and forget about her...it's going to come down to the clutch at the end of the month if I do anything before I leave...right now I'm leaning towards not doing anything at all. Good or bad, I think it's time for it to be over. To wake up on that day, and say goodbye, even if she doesn't hear it.
Yeah, that's it...
Posted at 11:36 am by Drewq
Thursday, January 22, 2004
DAY 1: Dealing with the particulars
Okay, so I called my mom, it's all good, I just told her that I was going, got the ticket, she was a bit shocked, and I could hear something in her voice. I know that she's worried, but she thinks I'm coming back, so it's not that big a worry, not yet anyway. It's still three months away. She told me to start getting on the ball, call work, get my stuff loaded, the whole thing...you know...mom stuff. I figure why not, makes sense.
I started flipping through the yellowpages, I found a couple of places that would have me store my crap. Hold my crap. Whatever, I'm still going to leave the key with mom, so that "I won't lose it" when I'm gone. Really it's just so that she can recover the stuff when I don't come back.
I went down to the ministry today, got the application for a new passport, I'll be out there when my passport runs out, so I'm not sure if I need to get a new one. I got the phone number, cause the idiots there don't know what the hell they're talking about anyway, and I grabbed the form, just so I don't have to head back again.
I don't have to work today, and telling them that I'm quitting in a month is something I wanna do face first...well not really, but I'm gonna do it face first anyway. They deserve that. Quinn is going to sh...no she won't, she barely sticks me on the schedule even if I have a lot of seniority, I've been waiting for her to fire me for a while now. I don't think that she likes a guy working at Customer Service, let alone me, who doesn't want to put up with her two faced shit. I know she's trying to do her best, and the whole Andrena thing has to come into play, but I feel like the fucking criminal dealing with that shit. I really don't want to put up with it...yet, I'm gonna quit again, and see if I get free. Last time I quit, I got bumped down, cause they said they needed me, now I feel like the charity case...leaving work for a while, I guess I am.
The other job won't be as difficult to leave, it's Linda, who wants me to go, has encouraged me to go, and not worry about all the shit that I leave behind there. I really don't care, the Time Shop is a faceless entity to me, some voices on a phone in which I get to put up my feet and every once in a while change a watch battery. It's really corrupted my work ethic, cause fuck if I do anything, but they still pay me decent. Whatev, it's just money. The thing is that I'm going to miss Linda, she's been there for me, changed me, had a big effect on my life. Hell if not for Linda, I wouldn't have been able to tell when a vixen digged me, or wanted me to hit the bricks...god I feel old using saying like that. Linda brought up my confidence by opening my eyes, and I don't know what I can do to repay her. Leaving her probably isn't the top of the list, but if I come back to visit anyone it will be Linda, oh for sure. I'll probably keep more in contact with Linda than with most other people, cause she understands a lot of the crap that I've gone through and am going through. I'll miss her.
My roomates, well it's different, I probably wouldn't even have gone around to getting the ticket if it wasn't for Steve and Mike and Mark. I got so used to making plans with all the Shwa boys, making plans and having them fall to shit in the clutch, that eventually I didn't want to make plans anymore. Yet with these guys, plans are made last minute, like our trip to Vegas, and they were followed through, we did it. The bar was another thing, we said we were doing it, and I went along with it, just as a joke, and it got done. That's fucking huge, they were the ones that continued the inspiration to keep going. I couldn't be wherre I am today without those guys, cause they showed me that saying something stupid doesn't mean that it is stupid or that it can't be done. That's fucking huge of a thing.
I've got a few other lose ended people to get through that I won't see again, Jana, Jay, Christina, Vilma, Nicole, Jules, Meg, Ruth, a few other people that are up here in St. Kitts that have made me love coming back...made me want to fit in, and make this my home. There's been falling out, and I don't see some of these people as much as I could have, but with their inspiration I had a lot of fun here, and that was what made me want to stay, and made me want to come back. If I come back to Canada, it'll be those thoughts of those good times that I'll remember when I'm here.
I think the biggest hurdle I've got coming up in the next month is dealing with Ashley. That fucking whore was the one that did the most for me than anyone ever could have. I hate her with all my guts, but I really want to thank her. She opened my eyes to the world. I thought that everything could be perfect out there, that everyone could be amazing. That somehow I could be to blame for problems out there of other people. No matter how selfish that sounds. I thought I was an important part, and that I could be everyone's friend. I realize now that I can't. It all comes from her.
When we were together, I was on cloud nine, and then her ex sends her flowers, and I get fucked. I don't know who to blame...oh wait yeah I do, her. It's one thing to lose caring for someone, but she fucked me up huge. I hate her now. She cut me off completely, something about how she couldn't be a friend to someone she fucked. I tried to figure out a way we could still talk, but she never wanted that, she used me, and abused me, and got rid of me. I've tried to respect that, but I got hurt, I didn't like anyone for a long while. Almost 11 months it got me to get to like someone as close as I liked her, too bad I couldn't say anything to that person...but I will soon. If not for Ashley, I would never have felt like a piece of used shit, if not for her, I may never have turned into the person I am now. She hates me for no reason, I still care for her, but you always care for your first...
The thing is, I gotta say something to her, well perhaps I shouldn't. Still she means enough to me, that I will, I don't know if she still lives around here anymore, or if she goes back to the states, and lived there. One way or another, I have 2 of her email addresses, that's how we got to know each other, I'll just have to try one last desperate effort to email her, but that won't be until the end, until I can't hear from her again. I want the last word. I'm a selfish prick thanks to her. Really, I am thanking her, I like what I've become, worried about myself more than others, and the same reactions still taking place, in fact better reactions. I don't feel fake, and I think other people don't feel like I'm being fake to them. Who knew that one person could have that kind of effect. Fuck you Ashy (my pet name for her) and thank you.
It's going to be a busy month ahead of me...I think I wanna take a nap first.
Posted at 03:09 pm by Drewq
Okay, so I just got back from the travel agent. I have my ticket. It's good in 91 days, I leave out of Pearson Airport and head to Vancouver for a layover before I go to Hong Kong for another layover and then down to Melbourne. I'm excited right now just talking about it.
Now comes the big problem, how do I let the world know that I'm going? Well I gotta tell them, but no one ever expected me to actually do this, they though all of this was just a fucking pipe dream, and now I'm actually going to do it. The thing is, who do I want to tell that I'm going, and who do I just leave in the dark.
I figure the first thing I gotta do is tell my mom, hell she deserves to know, seeing as I'm gonna leave all my crap with her. She might want to put it off to the side or something. To be honest, I really don't care, cause I have a feeling I won't be back for all the stuff anyway. And it's just stuff, so who cares.
The worst is, I gotta pick up and leave from the life I made outside of home, the life I actually like, I have jobs here, people depend on me, and it's a great work environment. Everyone's really friendly and I'm always having a good time. I've told them I'm going too, and they encourage me to do it, but they don't think I actually would. Well here I am, plus I gotta leave here before I leave the country just cause I need to settle up at home.
There's lots of things I gotta figure out when I get home, a lot of people I'm gonna have to piss off. To be honest...I'm kinda looking forward to that. There's a lot of things I have to say to people here and there, that I never had the balls to say before, but with time slipping away, I don't really need to worry. I can say whatever I want, cause I won't see these fuckers again. For some that's a good thing, for others, it's not.
The biggest thing on my mind is, that if I'm going I wanna have a great time before I go. Tonight I'm gonna chill out, cause well I just spent close to two-thousand dollars, and I think it'd be good to make it a Blockbuster night. I know exactly what movie to rent, I've seen it a couple times, but it's inspired me to really go on this trip, and it's for a total of 3 minutes in a movie, but it's so good. RULES OF ATTRACTION, it's great, that scene with Victor, it's inspiring. Now I'm not dumb, I know that's a lot to live up to, but think about it, that's a great thing to live up to. I'd love it. Even half of what was said, I'd love that to be me.
Tomorrow I'll tell work...I'm only going to stick around for a month, and then I'm out. Too bad for them, but at least I get to work up a little flow before I go anyway. If they have any problems with it, I'm not going to be there anyway. So who cares.
Anyway, I'm hungry. Lates.
Posted at 11:18 am by Drewq